The early morning sun glinted through gauzy curtains as my eyes adjusted to this newly awakened light. Slowly, my mind made itself cognizent of various thoughts and facts, and I realized it was Mothers Day. Delighted to have a chance to linger in the comfy quilts a while longer, I began to look back upon fond memories of my life with children. There were so many beautiful moments and happy times, precious episodes of pure joy. And for each of these, there were at least twice as many that were simply Episodes. We go into motherhood with soft-focus expectations of love and beauty, but real life, though sweet, is also salty and suprisingly full of poop.
For example, there was a particular birthday party for one of the little darlings that had a South American theme. One of my brothers had recently returned from Brazil with gobs of ethnic toys, candy, and musical instruments. He even brought one of the flouncy white dresses that are popular with the mamacitas as a gift for me. I chose to wear it that day even though he had been away while I was busy growing yet another baby, and my ever-expanding belly jutted ostentatiously between what had become on me a too-small halter top and low-slung rows of ruffles. Ever positive, I decorated and baked, thinking surely everything would be perfect on this glorious day.
Our home filled with children of all ages. Nieces, nephews, & neighbors mingled with aunts & uncles, grandparents, family friends, and one of my husband's buddies from way back in his days with the band (I'm pretty sure that guy was under the influence when he showed up.) The stereo played a samba while cake & treats made their way around the room. Even our gentle pitbull who suffered from anxiety and irritable bowels enjoyed the delights. Normally too nervous around crowds, he stealthily made his way under the radar, cleaning up plates of dropped cake and perhaps a few pieces of bubble gum.
Everyone was having an excellent time, and we thought it could only get better when I brought out the bat and blindfold and announced that it was time for the pinata. One after another, dizzy children swung wildly at the little pink donkey hanging from the banisters, laughing and cheering. When my son finally whacked it hard enough for it to pop open, they all ran amok beneath it, eager to grab fallen candy. Happiness soon turned to dismay as they realized there was no candy to be had. Some searched along the floor while others gazed in confusion at the unproductive gaping donkey belly. The room filled with raucous laughter as everyone realized what had happened. I mouthed to the hubby, (Do they not come with candy in them??) and he replied helpfully, (I don't know - this was your idea.) Known for my quick thinking, I grabbed the nearest bowl off the table, this one filled with chips, and threw it into the air while shouting things like "Hooray!" and "Whoopee!!"
The children were now thoroughly confused as chips rained down upon their heads. The ones who were still looking up at the donkey got salt in their eyes and began to cry. One tried to eat a falling crisp and choked. While his mother raised his left arm and whacked him on the back, the wise lesbian aunt with no kids of her own was actually rolling on the floor laughing, holding her sides and getting chip crumbs in her hair, while the rest of the room maintained general uproar. Therefore, no one noticed the shy dog slipping amongst them all, gobbling up the fallen snacks until one very young child went for a chip the dog had already claimed. The sweet pitbull immediately yielded, but the toddler was spooked, anticipating an injury that didn't come to pass. His wails alerted his parents, who had been certain it was dangerous and perhaps even criminally negligent to have such a beast at a children's party, and they flew into a frenzy of rage and fear. So eager were they to find their child mauled, they began to strip him of all clothing, including his dirty diaper, in search of phantom wounds. At the site of a completely naked, crying, slightly $#!t-stained child, my husband dialed 911. My shrieks of "He's fine! He's fine!! Hang up the damn phone!" pealing through all the others screams, coughs, wails, cries, and (yes) still more laughter were not well received by the operator, and squad cars were dispatched.
Fortunately, or not as the case may be, one was in the immediate vicinity due to a call from an uninvited neighbor complaining of all the cars parked in our circle. Law enforcement was soon at our door, busily misinterpreting the situation. I've mentioned how shy and nervous our hound is, but he is a also a good and faithful guard dog. Uniforms or not, the officers were clearly intruders, and one was already brandishing a baton, which perhaps even reminded the dog of the pinata bat that had recently led to all this turmoil. They were surely up to no good, and his leap upon them was swift and (seemingly) fierce. The baton-wielding cop brought his weapon alonsgside the dog's abdomen, which was now full of sweets and saturated fats. The poor animal's rear end erupted in a horizontal volcano of diarrhea, blasting one grandmother and two of her friends from choir with a veritable confetti gun of crap. Expressions of shock, dismay, and horror now interspersed amid the laughter and tears, and the stricken ladies sat, stunned, with poop particles in their hair, brown mist on their glasses, and stains seeping into their strands of pearls. Beside them, the stoned interloper, formerly the bass player for the band Contempt, nodded his head and laughed soundlessly as he said, "Dude, now it's a party."
So there you go. That is my contribution this Mothers Day. Cheers to all you moms out there who make every event in their children's lives a special memory.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Bill and His M-Farmall
For ages, hardy souls with leather hands have worked the earth. Driven by a will to survive and desperate dreams, they entered the fields with the daylight and stayed for a lifetime. The solitude of timeless hours sometimes witnessed a strange bond emerge between the yeoman and his reluctant beast or oily machine. As countless clods turned, respect leafed into affection for an ox with no tail, or a mule named Highlow, or the M-Farmall with a blade on the front. Seared by heat, iced by wind, and worn from work, an enduring union formed. As one entity, soldier of the soil and his witless lieutenant inched toward a distant turnrow and an unknown harvest.
Such a team is William Riddell and his fine red tractor. After service in World War II, Bill bought his M-Farmall on a G.I. loan. The two have pulled together for over fifty years. During that time, land on the Riddell place was cleared for farming, terraces and ponds were built to control watershed, fields were plowed, planted, and harvested, hay was stored and fed, sick and ice-bound cows were lifted and tended, and many strained eyes stared from a muddy ditch on some lonely, School Hill road to see an approaching man/machine rescue unit, protected only by a wet felt hat.
Despite this record, the intangible is the most unique feature of this 'relationship.' Bill's pride and appreciation for his powerful pardner, his intelligence and attention to detail, his romantic vision of place, history, and life, and his humorous command of language, both colorful and formal, inspire an understanding of how strongly he feels about his tractor.
Sure, Bill spent time in the oil field and the peanut mill to support his family. And yes, he skillfully maintained county roads for many years on a yellow grader with cheese, crackers, Coke, and a trailing dog named O.G. It's true that Bill chews tobacco, is a sports fanatic, and has always been a hound man to the bone. (Oma Lee has been known to mention a few other faults.) But, my favorite image of Bill is atop his trusted tractor, pulling a load of hay. He idles down the engine and grins with happiness about the field of square bales that he just hauled singlehandedly. He reaches down a hard, blunt hand and jokes because he is my friend. In his face is a weathered strength of character that will outlast youth and physical prowess. Bill is a man with the grit to face any difficulty that the future may hold. And, if he ever does need any help, just bring him his sturdy M-Farmall, and together, they will get the job done!
by Gene Grimshaw
Such a team is William Riddell and his fine red tractor. After service in World War II, Bill bought his M-Farmall on a G.I. loan. The two have pulled together for over fifty years. During that time, land on the Riddell place was cleared for farming, terraces and ponds were built to control watershed, fields were plowed, planted, and harvested, hay was stored and fed, sick and ice-bound cows were lifted and tended, and many strained eyes stared from a muddy ditch on some lonely, School Hill road to see an approaching man/machine rescue unit, protected only by a wet felt hat.
Despite this record, the intangible is the most unique feature of this 'relationship.' Bill's pride and appreciation for his powerful pardner, his intelligence and attention to detail, his romantic vision of place, history, and life, and his humorous command of language, both colorful and formal, inspire an understanding of how strongly he feels about his tractor.
Sure, Bill spent time in the oil field and the peanut mill to support his family. And yes, he skillfully maintained county roads for many years on a yellow grader with cheese, crackers, Coke, and a trailing dog named O.G. It's true that Bill chews tobacco, is a sports fanatic, and has always been a hound man to the bone. (Oma Lee has been known to mention a few other faults.) But, my favorite image of Bill is atop his trusted tractor, pulling a load of hay. He idles down the engine and grins with happiness about the field of square bales that he just hauled singlehandedly. He reaches down a hard, blunt hand and jokes because he is my friend. In his face is a weathered strength of character that will outlast youth and physical prowess. Bill is a man with the grit to face any difficulty that the future may hold. And, if he ever does need any help, just bring him his sturdy M-Farmall, and together, they will get the job done!
by Gene Grimshaw
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Snow Globes
It's a rare and wonderful snow day in Texas, and my babies (one of whom is now bigger than me) are tucked with me in our flannel pj's and quilts with tomcats keeping our feet warm. The stunning stark light that bounces off the ice and breaks in through the windows is disparate among the grey shadows of the house. We are nappy and snuggly, and we yawn with kitty-cat breath. This will be among the happiest days of my life.
I remember another snow day when the kids were toddlers that set the bar a level higher in counting those happy moments. I was a stay at home mom then, and we lived next to a park called Boys Ranch. So, when the snow fell thick and cold, we bundled up and stomped to the playground instead of staying in. There were geese on the steaming pond, and the world was washed in shades of grey. We were alone in the vast blanketed snowscape, and all sounds were hushed and muted beneath the quiet sky. My children and I were delighted to find that the winds which usually twisted little dirt devils across the open space were capable of doing the same thing with snow. Powdery flakes danced around us, so marvelously graceful that at first we could only watch in still silence, afraid movement might spook them away, I guess. But then we began to pretend that we were in a snow globe, and each flurry meant that someone was shaking our little orbed world. We wobbled, staggered, and fell while loudly overdramatizing these imagined upheavals, feigning difficulty in maintaining balance in what was, probably, the most stable moment I've ever known.
I remember another snow day when the kids were toddlers that set the bar a level higher in counting those happy moments. I was a stay at home mom then, and we lived next to a park called Boys Ranch. So, when the snow fell thick and cold, we bundled up and stomped to the playground instead of staying in. There were geese on the steaming pond, and the world was washed in shades of grey. We were alone in the vast blanketed snowscape, and all sounds were hushed and muted beneath the quiet sky. My children and I were delighted to find that the winds which usually twisted little dirt devils across the open space were capable of doing the same thing with snow. Powdery flakes danced around us, so marvelously graceful that at first we could only watch in still silence, afraid movement might spook them away, I guess. But then we began to pretend that we were in a snow globe, and each flurry meant that someone was shaking our little orbed world. We wobbled, staggered, and fell while loudly overdramatizing these imagined upheavals, feigning difficulty in maintaining balance in what was, probably, the most stable moment I've ever known.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Feline Contentment
I am quite sure that cats are great lovers of literature, perhaps even prolific creators thereof. What else could they be thinking about while spending hours in sunlit squares of quilt? There is very likely a curse, likened to the feminine Curse we blame upon Eve, from which cats suffer. I imagine that the premier angelic cat noticed - mutely, with only a slightly raised cat brow - that perhaps God's creations were not entirely perfect. Let's face it, creativity is a challenge. Even months or years after compiling that quintessential scrapbook or baking the ultimate artisanal bread or manufacturing with thine own hands some gallant creation that is remarkable in the maker's eyes, a source of pride, and of profound and poignant beauty perhaps because of its loveliness in spite of imperfections, the creator is inclined to tweak the effects a bit, just a bit, but oh how necessary the improvements.
I'm just saying that we can all sympathize with the ... episode... of noticing that perhaps our amazing bit of art ... could be improved upon ever so slightly in this one... these few... just a couple of ways... only these points here, really. It happens. No one could fault God in spying these fewtiny ... a couple of perhaps maybe not so much omniperfect aspects of Life.
And yet, such questions are not permitted and cannot be without undermining Supreme authority. And thus, blame was laid squarely upon the nearest closest proximation of perfection. - Lucicat. (previously a favorite of God's, but... you know... how it goes.) Suddenly, one finds oneself cast out, brushed from the sunlit squares on the providential quilt, banished to lands of kibble and litter, subject to stupid lesser beings, and deprived of thumbs and all sources of recording the brilliant thoughts and great literature that leap through the minds of cats with the nimble agility of a gymnast and the grace of a ballerina. The cruelest blow is that Human - source of bacon bits, chin scratches, tummy rubs, stinky gym shoes, and delightful dutch-oven farts - is given dominion thereof. *ack ...cough...crgghh...hairball*
Cats bear witness to the fact that God in all great glory, righteousness, mercy, and all-powerful magnitude is actually a lleeettllle bit vindictive, too.
I'm just saying that we can all sympathize with the ... episode... of noticing that perhaps our amazing bit of art ... could be improved upon ever so slightly in this one... these few... just a couple of ways... only these points here, really. It happens. No one could fault God in spying these few
And yet, such questions are not permitted and cannot be without undermining Supreme authority. And thus, blame was laid squarely upon the nearest closest proximation of perfection. - Lucicat. (previously a favorite of God's, but... you know... how it goes.) Suddenly, one finds oneself cast out, brushed from the sunlit squares on the providential quilt, banished to lands of kibble and litter, subject to stupid lesser beings, and deprived of thumbs and all sources of recording the brilliant thoughts and great literature that leap through the minds of cats with the nimble agility of a gymnast and the grace of a ballerina. The cruelest blow is that Human - source of bacon bits, chin scratches, tummy rubs, stinky gym shoes, and delightful dutch-oven farts - is given dominion thereof. *ack ...cough...crgghh...hairball*
Cats bear witness to the fact that God in all great glory, righteousness, mercy, and all-powerful magnitude is actually a lleeettllle bit vindictive, too.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
False Advertising
*phone rings*
Me, pretending not to have Caller ID: Hello?
Mama: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Mama: I don't think I dialed right. Can you hear me?
Me: Yes, I can hear you. I'm just waiting for you to say something else for me to respond to.
Mama: What?
Me: Dammit.
Mama: Hello?
Me: Just start talking, Mama.
Mama: Oh, hi! :-) I was just calling to see how you were doing because it's been several weeks since I talked to you, and I was worried about you.
Me: It's only been three days.
Mama: Is today not Thursday?
Me: No...wait, which one?
Mama: Huh?
Me: You said it's been several weeks - which Thursday are you asking if it is?
Mama: Well, I don't know. I guess it could be any of them.
Me: It's not Thursday, and it's only been three days. Is your leg better?
Mama: Oh yeah, yeah, it's just fine. I just - no, that wasn't anything - (sounds of vicious dog growls in background) Yeah, yeah, that's no problem at all. Quitit. Stopthat. Shhh.
Me: Who are you talking to? Have you taken in more strays?
Mama: Oh no no no no noooo...that was just, uh, no my leg is just fine. I don't know. Why? What? Can you hear me?
Me: Yes, I can hear you. (big sigh - choose to abandon search for direct answer) Mom, I messed up.
Mama: What? Ludicrous! That's crazy. How is that even possible?
Me: I know, I know, I'm as dismayed as anyone. I advertised myself as being funny when most of the stuff I've written lately has not been funny at all. They've been the anti-funny. You have to go way back for the funny stuff. And read the tags. If it is not tagged as funny, it certainly is not; and even if it is tagged as funny, it may be only marginally so. Not funny at all, really. (disgusted sigh) Now I'm ruined. It's all ruined, and I'm going straight to hell. And I'm dragging everyone I ever knew with me. Especially you, Mama, in fact you will be first. It's so bad that not only am I going to hell and dragging you with me, but I'm pushing you in front of me as a human shield. I'm ducking behind you while dragging you to hell with me.
Mama: Well, you should. No one deserves to go to hell more than I do. I should go first. I should go so that you don't have to.
Me: No, no, this is all on me. You are utterly without blame on this one, blameless and innocent and thrown upon the sacrificial stone.
Mama/Me, chiming in concordant tones of contrition: Mea culpa! (beating chests) My fault, my fault, my own most grievous fault! (crying and lamenting...sighing and catching breath)
Me: Okay, that's not fun anymore.
Mama: But it's always fun!
Me: I know, but I'm impatient today. Let's skip ahead.
Mama: Okay. Are we moving directly to the commiseration, or do you need to be berated first?
Me: Let's mix it up. I like it when you mix it up.
Mama: I do, too. Do we have a safe word?
Me: Hhmmm...I think it should be BLOG.
Mama: I don't know what that is.
Me: It's okay, you don't have to know the meaning of the safe word to use it as such.
Mama: Blob!
Me: No, Blog. And I have to throw a flag for premature use of safe word. (frowns and shakes head disappointedly.) I know you're getting older, but there are pills for that.
Mama: Do I get to throw a flag for you using "disappointedly" as a word?
Me: It's a word. It's an adverb. It has -ly on the end.
Mama: No, it isn't. You can't just put -ly on the end of any word and make it a word.
Me: Yes, I can, and it is now. It's in the new dictionary.
Mama: I guess I don't have the new dictionary. I just have the old correct one.
Me: Yours smells like cat pee.
Mama: It's still correct.
Me: It stinks of correction. The odor of your righteousness confounds the nostrils.
Mama: Did we change the game?
Me: I guess so. I'm bored. And I'm not funny.
Mama: Well, I'm not either. But you are funny looking? (helpful tone of voice)
Me: Well-played, Mama, well-played in a real half-ass sort of way.
Mama: I'm here for you. (background noises of cats & dogs, fighting, growling, hissing, disemboweling each other)
Me: I know you are, Mama. I'll call you Thursday.
Me, pretending not to have Caller ID: Hello?
Mama: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Mama: I don't think I dialed right. Can you hear me?
Me: Yes, I can hear you. I'm just waiting for you to say something else for me to respond to.
Mama: What?
Me: Dammit.
Mama: Hello?
Me: Just start talking, Mama.
Mama: Oh, hi! :-) I was just calling to see how you were doing because it's been several weeks since I talked to you, and I was worried about you.
Me: It's only been three days.
Mama: Is today not Thursday?
Me: No...wait, which one?
Mama: Huh?
Me: You said it's been several weeks - which Thursday are you asking if it is?
Mama: Well, I don't know. I guess it could be any of them.
Me: It's not Thursday, and it's only been three days. Is your leg better?
Mama: Oh yeah, yeah, it's just fine. I just - no, that wasn't anything - (sounds of vicious dog growls in background) Yeah, yeah, that's no problem at all. Quitit. Stopthat. Shhh.
Me: Who are you talking to? Have you taken in more strays?
Mama: Oh no no no no noooo...that was just, uh, no my leg is just fine. I don't know. Why? What? Can you hear me?
Me: Yes, I can hear you. (big sigh - choose to abandon search for direct answer) Mom, I messed up.
Mama: What? Ludicrous! That's crazy. How is that even possible?
Me: I know, I know, I'm as dismayed as anyone. I advertised myself as being funny when most of the stuff I've written lately has not been funny at all. They've been the anti-funny. You have to go way back for the funny stuff. And read the tags. If it is not tagged as funny, it certainly is not; and even if it is tagged as funny, it may be only marginally so. Not funny at all, really. (disgusted sigh) Now I'm ruined. It's all ruined, and I'm going straight to hell. And I'm dragging everyone I ever knew with me. Especially you, Mama, in fact you will be first. It's so bad that not only am I going to hell and dragging you with me, but I'm pushing you in front of me as a human shield. I'm ducking behind you while dragging you to hell with me.
Mama: Well, you should. No one deserves to go to hell more than I do. I should go first. I should go so that you don't have to.
Me: No, no, this is all on me. You are utterly without blame on this one, blameless and innocent and thrown upon the sacrificial stone.
Mama/Me, chiming in concordant tones of contrition: Mea culpa! (beating chests) My fault, my fault, my own most grievous fault! (crying and lamenting...sighing and catching breath)
Me: Okay, that's not fun anymore.
Mama: But it's always fun!
Me: I know, but I'm impatient today. Let's skip ahead.
Mama: Okay. Are we moving directly to the commiseration, or do you need to be berated first?
Me: Let's mix it up. I like it when you mix it up.
Mama: I do, too. Do we have a safe word?
Me: Hhmmm...I think it should be BLOG.
Mama: I don't know what that is.
Me: It's okay, you don't have to know the meaning of the safe word to use it as such.
Mama: Blob!
Me: No, Blog. And I have to throw a flag for premature use of safe word. (frowns and shakes head disappointedly.) I know you're getting older, but there are pills for that.
Mama: Do I get to throw a flag for you using "disappointedly" as a word?
Me: It's a word. It's an adverb. It has -ly on the end.
Mama: No, it isn't. You can't just put -ly on the end of any word and make it a word.
Me: Yes, I can, and it is now. It's in the new dictionary.
Mama: I guess I don't have the new dictionary. I just have the old correct one.
Me: Yours smells like cat pee.
Mama: It's still correct.
Me: It stinks of correction. The odor of your righteousness confounds the nostrils.
Mama: Did we change the game?
Me: I guess so. I'm bored. And I'm not funny.
Mama: Well, I'm not either. But you are funny looking? (helpful tone of voice)
Me: Well-played, Mama, well-played in a real half-ass sort of way.
Mama: I'm here for you. (background noises of cats & dogs, fighting, growling, hissing, disemboweling each other)
Me: I know you are, Mama. I'll call you Thursday.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Cheshire Mama, part two
There was one day when I was at school that my mother took my toddler brother for a walk down the sandy dirt road away from our house. The sky's exorbitant blue and drifting puffs of cloud gave no compas indications, and the fields of sandy peanut rows and acres of coastal pasture stretched on in every direction. Tiny black helicopters began to sink from the sun and float just outside of my mother's grasp. A static noise came from them, trying to communicate garbled signals from elsewhere. Bits of speech, exclamations, pleading voices appealing for help, stern reprimands, and whispered intimations of dire circumstances spoke to her, whirled around her, here, there, that side, this. A disorienting jumble of plans gone wrong, betrayed friendships, self-serving power figures, and valiant pawns within the game treatised her, called to her, begged for her help, chided her, slapped, and ultimately led her astray. She was miles away from home. The sun was now high, bearing down, no longer an ambivalent force behind sheep-like puffs of white. Gnats buzzed, and bullnettle whipped her ankles. There were no cows. There were supposed to be herds of cows grazing peacefully on either side of the road, but no other living being was within sight. Quiet descended, without even the whir and whip of the helicopter blades, and the full horror set in that she was not only lost in native lands, not only absent of familiar sights, not just disoriented by hallucinations, but she had lost her child. She ran in the direction she thought was towards home. She ran a tangent of it when it did not seem right. She ran without plan or reason on any compelling path. She was fly fishing, casting herself, floating briefly, pullling in and casting in another direction, trying to find a bite, to land something that would reel in, that would be real.
*pop*poppop*pop*pop*
Her gait slowed and eyes turned toward a lane in the woods. Bullets? Firecrackers? Something fired repeatedly, quietly, steadily. Her mind wanted to drift to holocaustal horrors. The tiny black helicopters whirred nearby in her mind. An enormous yellow school bus, Bus #12 driven by Vietnam veteran Ray McLearen, emerged from the line of trees at the riverbed, bringing me home from school just as her three year old stepped out of the wooded trail with his popcorn-popper push toy.
She dropped to her knees, then sat in the sand. With her in the open, her children made their way towards her, each thinking they had been adrift in the world and grateful to find their touchstone waiting for them.
*pop*poppop*pop*pop*
Her gait slowed and eyes turned toward a lane in the woods. Bullets? Firecrackers? Something fired repeatedly, quietly, steadily. Her mind wanted to drift to holocaustal horrors. The tiny black helicopters whirred nearby in her mind. An enormous yellow school bus, Bus #12 driven by Vietnam veteran Ray McLearen, emerged from the line of trees at the riverbed, bringing me home from school just as her three year old stepped out of the wooded trail with his popcorn-popper push toy.
She dropped to her knees, then sat in the sand. With her in the open, her children made their way towards her, each thinking they had been adrift in the world and grateful to find their touchstone waiting for them.
The Cheshire Mama
PART ONE
Growing up with a bipolar mother is not all it is cracked up to be, no matter what they tell you in the pharmaceutical commercials. Still, there were some bright moments when I was caught like a deer in the headlights, and now all I remember is the glow. I have a limited knowledge of astronomy (one semester in college that was, disappointingly, all math.) However, I have intimate knowledge of giants, supernovas, and black holes. I am the progeny thereof.
As a child, I accompanied my mother to Harry Dark Cakes to procure a wedding cake for my aunt and spent the afternoon listening to a debate as to the nuances of peach versus apricot colored frosting with Harry himself. The same shop later became The Shutterbug, and my mother displayed her black and white photography there. It was all rather hairy and dark to me, but it was fertile ground in which I grew.
Evenings were spent at the university library while Mama went to classes for her Masters Degree in English with a focus on literary archetypes. I had rescued two wild rabbit kits from the dogs , and I played with them in the library while she listened to Shakespeare on record albums. I loved Macbeth.
A college student once found himself in line behind me at the vending machine and asked this pint-sized pseudo-professor, "My God, woman, where is the rest of you?" I answered that she was in class right now, and I am now rather haunted by the fact that I considered myself such an extension of Mama and that others would naturally assume me to be, as well.
When I was a toddler, Mama taught English and government at Carbon High School. She was a fierce advocate for truth and justice, and I knew her as a raging force. But as an adult, I met one of her students who said the only time he saw her anything other than funny and pleasant was when her UIL team had received unfair treatment at a meet. She taught half days when I was very little, and we watched the Watergate trials when she came home. I don't remember those. I do remember a black Lab/Collie with white tips & keyhole named Gordon and two hills covered in purple irises. My mother's first name was Iris, but she didn't like it. Apparently, she was named for Iris Murdoch, but I guess she disliked the pre-ordained structure within which she fit so well. Her father chose the names for his kids, and his is a story much further down the road that I look forward to telling as I pick my way through the past, the stepping stones that have led to where I stand, looking back.
Growing up with a bipolar mother is not all it is cracked up to be, no matter what they tell you in the pharmaceutical commercials. Still, there were some bright moments when I was caught like a deer in the headlights, and now all I remember is the glow. I have a limited knowledge of astronomy (one semester in college that was, disappointingly, all math.) However, I have intimate knowledge of giants, supernovas, and black holes. I am the progeny thereof.
As a child, I accompanied my mother to Harry Dark Cakes to procure a wedding cake for my aunt and spent the afternoon listening to a debate as to the nuances of peach versus apricot colored frosting with Harry himself. The same shop later became The Shutterbug, and my mother displayed her black and white photography there. It was all rather hairy and dark to me, but it was fertile ground in which I grew.
Evenings were spent at the university library while Mama went to classes for her Masters Degree in English with a focus on literary archetypes. I had rescued two wild rabbit kits from the dogs , and I played with them in the library while she listened to Shakespeare on record albums. I loved Macbeth.
A college student once found himself in line behind me at the vending machine and asked this pint-sized pseudo-professor, "My God, woman, where is the rest of you?" I answered that she was in class right now, and I am now rather haunted by the fact that I considered myself such an extension of Mama and that others would naturally assume me to be, as well.
When I was a toddler, Mama taught English and government at Carbon High School. She was a fierce advocate for truth and justice, and I knew her as a raging force. But as an adult, I met one of her students who said the only time he saw her anything other than funny and pleasant was when her UIL team had received unfair treatment at a meet. She taught half days when I was very little, and we watched the Watergate trials when she came home. I don't remember those. I do remember a black Lab/Collie with white tips & keyhole named Gordon and two hills covered in purple irises. My mother's first name was Iris, but she didn't like it. Apparently, she was named for Iris Murdoch, but I guess she disliked the pre-ordained structure within which she fit so well. Her father chose the names for his kids, and his is a story much further down the road that I look forward to telling as I pick my way through the past, the stepping stones that have led to where I stand, looking back.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The Potato Buddha
"The problem is," she said as she dug at a crack in the earth with a metal implement formerly known as a tablespoon, "that he still thinks his happiness is supposed to be supplied to him by someone else."
"Well, that is how it is," he stated flatly as he tossed a green one that had seen too much sun over the fence.
"Nawsir, it idn't," was her authoritative reply. "A person can let it be that way, or they can accept responsibility for their own happiness. Then, happiness will not be given to us, but it can never be taken away by anybody, either. Our own happiness begins and ends with us." Her breath was labored from stooping over the plants in the full sun of the garden, and sometimes she farted as she bent to work a stubborn potato loose. Fortunately, he noticed neither because his hearing was bad, and hard work was to be expected. "Now, don't get me wrong," she continued. "There are plenty of joyful moments shared by others, and there are some kind deeds that are quite pleasing. But, these are responses to actions and perceptions, parcels of a whole. One's happiness is a state of mind that twists and tangles itself around the soul like a vine. You plant your own seed. You tend it as you will. Are you growing a vine that flourishes, that bears blossoms or fruit, or are you growing kudzu? For some, it's just a barren landscape. Those who have their plants delivered only sit and watch them fade and die, always awaiting the next shipment."
The combination of bending over to dig potatoes, acute acid reflux, and listening to her try to skirt around the original subject left a foul taste in his mouth. No amount of artful confusion could distract from the ugly original truth, which was the potential harm she was about to do, seemingly at a whim.
But, whims were not the stuff her thoughts & dreams, days & nights, weeks & years were made of. All was carefully considered and chosen for a greater good. One would never guess that, though, watching her amble between the rows with cow-like, stubborn grace.
"Finish him off, then," he harumphed with angry disappointment.
"I have to get these children grown," she said, mistaking "him" for "them" and disdain for grim approval. Her errors made her seem all the more calculating.
"The fact is, I'm lonely, and I miss my friend. And, I've been proven wrong so much that I don't really mind it anymore. If I can make things better, I will. Running the risk of messing up is the mountain in front of me at every turn. Odds are that I am going to wreck almost all of it. Having done so on many occasions has only taught me that the bits I am able to salvage from those wrecks are valuable, and they end up being the stuff my story is made of. Does the water break when dashed upon the rocks? Or does it go right on being water, flowing on and picking up rich sediment along the way."
She actually did not say any of this, having never been good at vocal expression, but the stooping and farting in the garden part is true. Instead, she asked how to do that when he told her the potatoes they had dug would need to be parboiled before cooking.
"I figured you for a parboiler from way back," he said, almost moving on from the previous subject.
Her own bitter gripe set in as she snapped, "Now, how was I supposed to learn stuff like that while Mama was sitting in the kitchen sink, raging at imaginary enemies and talking in sign language to invisible helicopters outside the window, and Granny told me not to practice cooking here because the home that used to be mine was where she was teaching Sis?"
Having arrived upon the scene, Granny quickly and easily described the parboiling method in less than a minute, and they all made their way across the porch and through the house, each one viewing the world through the window of their own experiences, none of them quite ready to toss out the original water.
"Well, that is how it is," he stated flatly as he tossed a green one that had seen too much sun over the fence.
"Nawsir, it idn't," was her authoritative reply. "A person can let it be that way, or they can accept responsibility for their own happiness. Then, happiness will not be given to us, but it can never be taken away by anybody, either. Our own happiness begins and ends with us." Her breath was labored from stooping over the plants in the full sun of the garden, and sometimes she farted as she bent to work a stubborn potato loose. Fortunately, he noticed neither because his hearing was bad, and hard work was to be expected. "Now, don't get me wrong," she continued. "There are plenty of joyful moments shared by others, and there are some kind deeds that are quite pleasing. But, these are responses to actions and perceptions, parcels of a whole. One's happiness is a state of mind that twists and tangles itself around the soul like a vine. You plant your own seed. You tend it as you will. Are you growing a vine that flourishes, that bears blossoms or fruit, or are you growing kudzu? For some, it's just a barren landscape. Those who have their plants delivered only sit and watch them fade and die, always awaiting the next shipment."
The combination of bending over to dig potatoes, acute acid reflux, and listening to her try to skirt around the original subject left a foul taste in his mouth. No amount of artful confusion could distract from the ugly original truth, which was the potential harm she was about to do, seemingly at a whim.
But, whims were not the stuff her thoughts & dreams, days & nights, weeks & years were made of. All was carefully considered and chosen for a greater good. One would never guess that, though, watching her amble between the rows with cow-like, stubborn grace.
"Finish him off, then," he harumphed with angry disappointment.
"I have to get these children grown," she said, mistaking "him" for "them" and disdain for grim approval. Her errors made her seem all the more calculating.
"The fact is, I'm lonely, and I miss my friend. And, I've been proven wrong so much that I don't really mind it anymore. If I can make things better, I will. Running the risk of messing up is the mountain in front of me at every turn. Odds are that I am going to wreck almost all of it. Having done so on many occasions has only taught me that the bits I am able to salvage from those wrecks are valuable, and they end up being the stuff my story is made of. Does the water break when dashed upon the rocks? Or does it go right on being water, flowing on and picking up rich sediment along the way."
She actually did not say any of this, having never been good at vocal expression, but the stooping and farting in the garden part is true. Instead, she asked how to do that when he told her the potatoes they had dug would need to be parboiled before cooking.
"I figured you for a parboiler from way back," he said, almost moving on from the previous subject.
Her own bitter gripe set in as she snapped, "Now, how was I supposed to learn stuff like that while Mama was sitting in the kitchen sink, raging at imaginary enemies and talking in sign language to invisible helicopters outside the window, and Granny told me not to practice cooking here because the home that used to be mine was where she was teaching Sis?"
Having arrived upon the scene, Granny quickly and easily described the parboiling method in less than a minute, and they all made their way across the porch and through the house, each one viewing the world through the window of their own experiences, none of them quite ready to toss out the original water.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Flashback of Last Year's Well-Woman Exam
For the first time in almost a year, I was able to find something positive and useful that was gleaned from my annual well-woman exam last May. It happened while I was enjoying margaritas and cooking with my aunts and mama. Usually, information flows the opposite way, and I learn a lot from their wisdom, experience, good humor and sweet souls. But, this time, I had peculiar insight.
Aunt Brunette: I'm really not very good at drinking. The last time I tried, the bed was spinning, I threw up in the shower, and the next day was plagued by diarrhea.
Me: Ah! Ooh, ooh, I know this one. If the bed is spinning, put one foot on the floor.
Aunt Blonde: (raises hand while stirring at the stovetop) I knew that!
Me: The shower was a good move (preferably sitting down or even laying on your side, the left side is better for the kidneys.) Throwing up is good. Bite the bullet and let it go. Otherwise, try to find the greasiest, cheesiest food possible - Allsup's chimichangas were really good, the taquitos with cheese are a modern day substitute, with ranch dressing, of course. You may have to add your own chiles because (a) at this point you just don't care, and (b) it might be the only thing that makes you feel like you are still alive.
Aunt Blonde: Damn! I forgot to bring the jalapenos! I put some in these enchiladas, but we are going to need more. (shakes head sadly even though every thing tastes scrumptious)
Me: I can explain the diarrhea thing, too.
Mama: Oh, please don't.
Me: (my aunts look curious, in my opinion, so I continue) Bowel inflammation. Just like our fingers and ankles get puffy when we drink and the hangover headache is caused by our brains swelling from water retention, the bowels swell, too, and can't absorb any more liquid, resulting in a mass exodus.
Mama: (garbled noise of disgust and exasperation, turns away as she sprinkles salt on a pickle before munching it thoughtfully)
Me: (my aunts are grossed out, too, but have expressions that vaguely indicate they appreciate the explanation) I get bonus points for knowing that the blackish-green color comes from drinking red wine. *smiles proudly*
Aunt Blonde: (now stirring again) I knew that one, too!
Aunt Brunette: Now, how did you come about this...information?
Me: Oh, I learned it in my well-woman exam last year.
Mama: They have classes for being a well woman? And tests??
Me: No, that's just what the insurance calls it. It's just an annual physical for girls, only instead of finger-poking, turning and coughing, we get to ride in the stirrups with our butt hanging off the table. Gloves are still involved, though. BUT, girls get to have sweet extras like hot lights and cold gel because we're delicate like that, and the drape makes a curtain between our knees so that we can't see what's going on down there or which metal instrument is making that cranking wratchet noise.
Mama: I'm glad I'm too old for this.
Me: You're really not. You have just been remiss.
Aunt Brunette: I still don't understand what this has to do with drinking and diarrhea.
Me: Oohhh, right. Well, I was really not looking forward to the exam, particularly after reading that one should abstain from having sex 4 days before it, which reminded me that two years was probably enough time to have lapsed. Then, I got to thinking about the years leading up to the divorce and realized I really did not remember the last time I had sex and now I probably never will again. So, I ended up drinking too much, having the black diarrhea, spent a couple of drunk hours thinking I was dying of some kind of cancer, and asked about it in a wobbly voice during the exam.
A few lectures about overeating and alcohol consumption later, the doctor had explained it all. She also flashed some lights in my eyes and told me I had nyastagmus. Panic-stricken, I asked what that meant, and she said, "It means you are still a little bit drunk."
I was non-plussed at that point. So I said, "If we had to go through this whole exam just to come to the conclusion that I am a fat drunk, I could have saved a lot of time & money by telling you that when I walked in here. I saw how much you charged my insurance company for this." Then she was non-plussed. Come to think of it, it's about time to schedule this year's appointment...
Aunt Brunette: I'm really not very good at drinking. The last time I tried, the bed was spinning, I threw up in the shower, and the next day was plagued by diarrhea.
Me: Ah! Ooh, ooh, I know this one. If the bed is spinning, put one foot on the floor.
Aunt Blonde: (raises hand while stirring at the stovetop) I knew that!
Me: The shower was a good move (preferably sitting down or even laying on your side, the left side is better for the kidneys.) Throwing up is good. Bite the bullet and let it go. Otherwise, try to find the greasiest, cheesiest food possible - Allsup's chimichangas were really good, the taquitos with cheese are a modern day substitute, with ranch dressing, of course. You may have to add your own chiles because (a) at this point you just don't care, and (b) it might be the only thing that makes you feel like you are still alive.
Aunt Blonde: Damn! I forgot to bring the jalapenos! I put some in these enchiladas, but we are going to need more. (shakes head sadly even though every thing tastes scrumptious)
Me: I can explain the diarrhea thing, too.
Mama: Oh, please don't.
Me: (my aunts look curious, in my opinion, so I continue) Bowel inflammation. Just like our fingers and ankles get puffy when we drink and the hangover headache is caused by our brains swelling from water retention, the bowels swell, too, and can't absorb any more liquid, resulting in a mass exodus.
Mama: (garbled noise of disgust and exasperation, turns away as she sprinkles salt on a pickle before munching it thoughtfully)
Me: (my aunts are grossed out, too, but have expressions that vaguely indicate they appreciate the explanation) I get bonus points for knowing that the blackish-green color comes from drinking red wine. *smiles proudly*
Aunt Blonde: (now stirring again) I knew that one, too!
Aunt Brunette: Now, how did you come about this...information?
Me: Oh, I learned it in my well-woman exam last year.
Mama: They have classes for being a well woman? And tests??
Me: No, that's just what the insurance calls it. It's just an annual physical for girls, only instead of finger-poking, turning and coughing, we get to ride in the stirrups with our butt hanging off the table. Gloves are still involved, though. BUT, girls get to have sweet extras like hot lights and cold gel because we're delicate like that, and the drape makes a curtain between our knees so that we can't see what's going on down there or which metal instrument is making that cranking wratchet noise.
Mama: I'm glad I'm too old for this.
Me: You're really not. You have just been remiss.
Aunt Brunette: I still don't understand what this has to do with drinking and diarrhea.
Me: Oohhh, right. Well, I was really not looking forward to the exam, particularly after reading that one should abstain from having sex 4 days before it, which reminded me that two years was probably enough time to have lapsed. Then, I got to thinking about the years leading up to the divorce and realized I really did not remember the last time I had sex and now I probably never will again. So, I ended up drinking too much, having the black diarrhea, spent a couple of drunk hours thinking I was dying of some kind of cancer, and asked about it in a wobbly voice during the exam.
A few lectures about overeating and alcohol consumption later, the doctor had explained it all. She also flashed some lights in my eyes and told me I had nyastagmus. Panic-stricken, I asked what that meant, and she said, "It means you are still a little bit drunk."
I was non-plussed at that point. So I said, "If we had to go through this whole exam just to come to the conclusion that I am a fat drunk, I could have saved a lot of time & money by telling you that when I walked in here. I saw how much you charged my insurance company for this." Then she was non-plussed. Come to think of it, it's about time to schedule this year's appointment...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Time is a Diamond
I tend to have my favorite thoughts while I am in the shower because that is when I have time to let my mind wander off on its own while I am busy tending to mundane tasks that require no mental supervision, which might explain why I so often knick myself with the razor while shaving my legs. This morning, my stream of conciousness drifted down the road of time...
Time is not linear at all. That is only our perception of it based on our progress through life and our record of history. A line exists, and it is the first dimension. Square the line, and you have a box, the second dimension. Square the box into a cube, and there is our third dimension. Square the cube so that all of its surfaces go on infinitely in all directions, and we are enveloped in the fourth dimension. This is Time.
But, why would we stop there? We are beyond where we could draw these images on paper; but mathematically, if we square the squared cube, we would have a multi-faceted diamond of intersecting points and planes, a crystallic and ethereal structure that is both self-contained and infinite.
What possibilities would this notion of time enable? Ghosts might simply be glimpses of proximous points in time, visible to us like faces in the cars we pass on the road, brief snapshots of someone else going a different way on the same path. Premonition and intuition could be likened to electrical arcs leaping among positive, negative, and neutral forces or compared to circuits that have been inadvertently completed. Deja vu is simply a momentary loop. And, even time travel might not be beyond our grasp if we mastered the matrices. Fantasy becomes conceivable as both a theory of invention and a memory of discovery in this diamond of time.
But by the time I had thought all this through, I had spent too long in the shower and was late for work again.
Time is not linear at all. That is only our perception of it based on our progress through life and our record of history. A line exists, and it is the first dimension. Square the line, and you have a box, the second dimension. Square the box into a cube, and there is our third dimension. Square the cube so that all of its surfaces go on infinitely in all directions, and we are enveloped in the fourth dimension. This is Time.
But, why would we stop there? We are beyond where we could draw these images on paper; but mathematically, if we square the squared cube, we would have a multi-faceted diamond of intersecting points and planes, a crystallic and ethereal structure that is both self-contained and infinite.
What possibilities would this notion of time enable? Ghosts might simply be glimpses of proximous points in time, visible to us like faces in the cars we pass on the road, brief snapshots of someone else going a different way on the same path. Premonition and intuition could be likened to electrical arcs leaping among positive, negative, and neutral forces or compared to circuits that have been inadvertently completed. Deja vu is simply a momentary loop. And, even time travel might not be beyond our grasp if we mastered the matrices. Fantasy becomes conceivable as both a theory of invention and a memory of discovery in this diamond of time.
But by the time I had thought all this through, I had spent too long in the shower and was late for work again.
Friday, December 4, 2009
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